new york city rental shorthand.

this won't last long!

Gut Renovated: This apartment has been stripped of every imaginable element of charm, personality, architectural history or distinctive feature and accordingly the rent has been raised by 45 percent.

In-Unit Washer and Dryer: A washing machine and dryer have been crammed into a too-small space next to the toilet, resulting in the need for the occupant to conduct a three-point turn when maneuvering their body from sink to toilet. Rent has been raised $500/month for this privilege. Note: The dryer door opens only 2/3 of the way, but count yourself lucky you no longer need to schlep to the laundromat and don’t you dare mention it to management.

This won’t last long!: Someone will be foolish enough to rent this unit without looking at its rental history and realizing that the building has 33 violations racked up against it, including, but not limited to, bedbugs, lack of heat, and a partial ceiling collapse.

Updated Studio: Dividing walls have been removed from this unit, with no consideration given to the structural soundness of said update, resulting in a gaping hole of an apartment and what was formerly three proper rooms being turned into one. Excellent for single, young professionals and terrible for everyone else.

Eat-in Kitchen: Were a person to squat on their haunches on the cracked tile floor and take in a direct view of the decades-worth of grime caked under the malfunctioning stove, they could, in theory, eat in this kitchen.

Quiet, Peaceful Building: We’re not lawfully allowed to discriminate against renters with young children, but we are, under no circumstance, going to rent this apartment to a family.

Windows in Every Room: An air shaft gives lucky renters direct access to a neighbor’s cigarette smoke and Febreze plug-in, to say nothing of the dulcet tones of spousal disputes and Mets games.

Hardwood Floors Throughout: Soft pine flooring has not been refinished for fifty years and bears the tell-tale signs of longterm feline habitants and leaky radiators.

Views: This basement apartment overlooks the building’s six garbage cans. Animal lovers will enjoy regular cameos by neighborhood rats.

Ample Space for Living: There’s not a single closet in this apartment.

Den: There’s a tiny former antechamber above the stairwell. It cannot accommodate a bed, but calling it a closet might only draw attention to the fact that there are no actual closets so instead we’ll invoke a term more closely associated with a suburban ranch and confuse everyone.

Luxury Finishes: Matching doorknobs.